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Humane Hercules Episodes Messages

Season One

Amazon Women N/A
Lost Kingdom N/A
Circle of Fire N/A
Underworld N/A
Maze of the Minotaur N/A
The Wrong Path N/A
Eye of the Beholder N/A
Road to Calydon N/A
Festival of Dionysus N/A
Ares N/A
As Darkness Falls No Centaurs were harmed in the production of this motion picture.
Pride Comes Before a Brawl No Hydras were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
March to Freedom N/A
Warrior Princess No Animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Gladiator N/A
Vanishing Dead No Dogs of War were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Gauntlet N/A
Unchained Heart No Vicious Beasts intent on taking over the world were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Season Two

King of Thieves No Subterranean Serpents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
All that Glitters No Stuffed Elephants were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
What’s in a Name No Mandrakes were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Siege at Naxos No Barbarians were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Outcast No Centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Under the Broken Sky N/A
Mother of All Monsters The Mother of All Monsters was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Other Side Neither Phil or Sal or any of the other Piglet Brethren were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Fire Down Below No Completely-Engulfed-In-Flames-Evil-Dudes were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Cast a Giant Shadow Neither Typhon nor Echidna were harmed during the production of this motion picture. They went on to lead long and happy lives with their adopted family. However, attempts to reinflate Pylon were unsuccessful.
Highway to Hades No Rabbits or Spirits Wandering the Earth were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Sword of Veracity No Attaching Minotaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Enforcer N/A
Once a Hero N/A
Heedless Hearts N/A
Let the Games Begin The nuclear blast that destroyed those fiendish Mesomorphs was purely trick photography. The Mesomorphs are alive and well and living in Poughkeepsie.
Apple No extremely oversize clam shell wind-surfing apparatuses housing goddesses of love were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Promises No Hairy Sasquatch-Like Mammals were Battered, Bruised, Burned or Beaten during the production of this motion picture.
King for a Day No slightly soused kings-to-be who finally pull themselves up by their bootstraps and realize the true meaning of leadership were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Protean Challenge No Slightly Discolored and Impish Gods who vaguely resemble any Candidate in the 1996 presidential elections were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Wedding of Alcmene N/A
Power No Manure was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Centaur Mentor Journey No Centaurs were harmed or discriminated against during the production of this motion picture.
Cave of Echos No Vicious Tabby Cats were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Pre-Hellenic Litter Box is in dire need of a change.

Season Three

Mercenary No Flesh-Eating Sandrays were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Doomsday No Silly Nutty was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, quite a few filberts and cashews sacrificed their lives in the name of progress.
Love Takes a Holiday No Metal Panthere were harmed during the production of this motion picture. When polishing your metal animals remember to use salt and lemon.
Mummy Dearest Any similarity between our Mummy and the foot dragging classic we all know and love is purely intentional.
Not Fade Away No Bootie-kicking, Chop-sakiing She-Monsters from Tartarus were harmed during the production of this motion picture. If you can’t stand heat, stay out of the temple!
Monster Child in the Promised Land Out of respect for Baby Obie, no calamari was served to the cast and crew during the production of this motion picture.
Green-Eyed Monster No Goats were harmed during the production of this Cheese.
Prince Hercules Iolaus was not harmed or permanently stained in the production of this motion picture. In fact, thanks to the miracle of sandblasting, his skin was restored to its original color and lustrous sheen.
A Star to Guide Them No Unnamed Baby of key biblical and mythological importance was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Lady and the Dragon No Fire-breathing, Pre-pubescent, Slightly Sinister dragons were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Long Live the King No Stags were bagged during the production of this motion picture.
Surprise Hercules’ Party Pants were not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Encounter The Golden Hind was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. To order a Hind of your own call 1-800-55-HIND.
When a Man Loves a Woman Hercules’ strength was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, Ares is storing it in a cryogenic freezer bag deep in the Olympian Meat Locker.
Judgment Day No Family Values were harmed during the production of this Blood Lite motion picture.
Lost City No Hippy-dippy, Substance-abusing, 60’s Reject Love Children were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Les Contemptibles The French accents depicted in this motion picture are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to actual accents, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Vive La Revolution!
Reign of Terror The Sheeps’ political and cultural independence was restored after the production of this motion picture. Run Free Ewe Wilde Beasts!
End of the Beginning Neither the Space Time Continuum nor any previous storylines were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
War Bride No Leather-clad, Pointy-breasted, Buffont-wearing, Pillow-smother, Two-faced Sisters were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
A Rock and a Hard Place No Convicts were squished like a bug during the production of this motion picture.
Atlantis WARNING: Crystal-waves were used during the production of this motion picture. Pregnant women should leave the room immediately.

Season Four

Beanstalks and Bad Eggs No permanent cases of Harpies were reported during the production of this motion picture.
Hero’s Heart As Fortune would have it, Iolaus’ memory was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Regrets… I’ve had a few Jaris’ cause of death remained a mystery during the production of this motion picture.
Web of Desire The original Website was severely harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, through the miracle of modern technology, it was reinvented several centuries later.
Stanger in a Strange World No Heart-throwing, Love-spewing, Smooth-talking Ares impersonators were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Two Men and a Baby No fire-belching, levitating, neo-natal sons of a god were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Prodigal Sister The Amazon Hokey-Pokey was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, this catchy number is being performed in dance clubs around the country.
…And Fancy Free The Window Twanky, once again on top of the dance world with the success of the Hercules Hustle, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
If I had a Hammer… Hercules proved once again the true measure of a man is not the size of his grapes but the size of his heart.
Hercules on Trial Due to extensive DNA testing, Hercules was proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.
Medea Culpa No two-headed, fire-breathing, regenerating Ghidras were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Men In Pink Cupcake’s sweet tooth was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, her love life experienced a slight setback.
Armageddon Now Once again, Alcmene’s fence was not finished during the production of this motion picture.
Armageddon Now Part 2 Although Alcmene’s barn was blown to smithereens, remarkably she and Iolaus were not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Yes Virginia, there is a Hercules Any resemblance between the Hercules cast and the Renaissance staff is purely intentional.
Porkules Hermes’s wings were clipped during the production of this motion picture.
One Fowl Day No giant poultry was tripped, plucked, barbecued, deep-fried or otherwise assaulted during the production of this motion picture. Katherine’s owners are orthodox vegetarians.
My Fair Cupcake No Bakeries were harmed during the production of this motion picture, although many pastries were burned to a crisp.
War Wounds Any resemblance between King Iphicles, Hercules’ half-brother, and Area, God of War, Hercules’ other half-brother, is totally unavoidable.
Twilight Caution: Nafoline Cannons are highly flammable and may be hazardous to your health. Keep away from children.
Top God No Boogie-Boarding, Beached-Blonde Narcissistic Gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Reunions Zeus’s Godhood was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his short stint as a mortal was somewhat intoxicating.
Categories: Entertainment
  1. JaM
    September 23, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Season 5:
    1 “Faith”
    In order to protect the environment and for the benefit of all mankind, Imuru’s beard was recycled and returned immediately upon completion of production of this motion picture.
    2 “Descent”
    No zombies were chomping at the bit during the production of this motion picture.
    3 “Resurrection”
    No Magic Munchkins preaching the virtues of ancient Celtic philosophy were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    4 “Genies and Grecians and Geeks, Oh My”
    No cool blue bongs that resemble Aladdin’s lamp were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    5 “Render Unto Caesar”
    No Scribes intent on writing the truth and nothing but the truth were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    6 “Norse By Norsevest”
    No ram, stag or any other horned species was sacrificed for Thor’s helmet during the production of this motion picture.
    We Swear it.
    7 “Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge”
    No Frost Giants were thawed during the production of this motion picture.
    8 “Darkness Rising”
    Iolaus nearly lost his head during the production of this motion picture.
    9 “For Those of You Just Joining Us…”
    Due to circumstances beyond our control, some staff members were ridiculed, targeted at and generally made fools of during the production of this motion picture.
    10 “Let There Be Light”
    No Cast-Iron Snakes were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    11 “Redemption”
    Finally, the demon Dahak was destroyed during the production of this motion picture.
    12 “Sky High”
    Ephiny’s leg was not hurt in the production of this motion picture. However, the writers sincerely apologizeto Amazons everywhere for excluding her from the big finale.
    13 “Stranger and Stranger”
    Finally, the demon Dahak was destroyed during the production of this motion picture.If you would like to be a contestant on Wheel of Misfortune, simply send us a postcard and prepare to kiss your bottom goodbye.
    14 “Just Passing Through”
    Autolycus’ intestinal tract was well lubricated and, consequently, was not harmed or blocked during the production of this motion picture.
    15 “Greece is Burning”
    Due to incredibly bad taste and a despicable dress code, the Fashion Police were locked up indefinitely immediately upon completion of filming this motion picture.
    16 “We’ll Always Have Cyprus”
    The Oracle affectionately known as “Mrs. Potato Head” was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    17 “The Academy”
    Support the United Grecian College Fund. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, much like the vacation plans of certain Young Hercules cast members.
    18 “Love on the Rocks”
    No Fish Out of Water was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    19 “Once Upon a Future King”
    Many Giant Steps were taken during the production of this motion picture. However, none for mankind.
    20 “Fade Out”
    No Gods or other deities were killed during the production of this motion picture. They just faded away.
    21 “My Best Girl’s Wedding”
    No floundering fish were filleted during the production of this motion picture.
    22 “Revelations”
    Iolaus got a new lease on life during the production of this motion picture.

    Season 6:
    1 “Be Deviled”
    Xerxos’ goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.
    2 “Love, Amazon Style”
    No Conniving, Mischievous, Over-the-Top Deities formerly and presently known as Deimos were harmed in the production of this motion picture.
    3 “Rebel With a Cause”
    Creon’s part was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    4 “Darkness Visible”
    No Blood Sucking, Homicidal Vampires were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    5 “Hercules, Tramps & Thieves”
    No Cat Burglars intent on framing their ex-husbands were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    6 “City of the Dead”
    No Pyramid Schemes were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
    7 “A Wicked Good Time”
    Discord was a Basket Case during the production of this motion picture.
    8 “Full Circle”
    No Ancient Greek Myths were seriously harmed during the production of this series, although some stories were slightly altered for the entertainment and enjoyment of our audience.

  2. JaM
    September 23, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Xena, Herkules and Conan the Barbarian, my favourite heroes.

    • September 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

      Hercules was good up until Season 4. Season 4 ended with Hercules becoming a God and defeating Hera. So for Season 5 they killed off Iolaus and had Hercules travel around the world interacting with other mythologies. It could have been good, but the first few episodes weren’t so I didn’t finish most of the season.
      I remember Xena being good for at least a season, but it also got weird fast.

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